Him And Nothing Else
by GabbsPitargue
Summary: There are many things that could be. But the best he could do is to just wish that the situation played out differently. Why does this happen every time? [A Drabble Fan-Fiction, mostly in Jared's perspective. Chapters becomes longer as the story goes.]
1. Not Like This

_Not like this._

Summer wasn't meant to be this lonely.

 _Lonely and full of lies._

Jared really did try to be normal.

As normal as his _Dad_ would ever want him to be.

But he can't.

 _Not this way._

He watches as the Israeli girl smiles sadly at him and started to put back on the shirt that they both hastily removed earlier.

Both of them were considered "not-normal" in this camp.

So, they decided to _pretend to be normal together._

Obviously, they couldn't do such thing.

Lying to yourself is never the way.

 _He wished that they would understand._

* * *

 **A/N:** This is my first time doing a drabble fic or really writing a fan fiction, so let me know if I'm doing this right.

 **DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Dear Evan Hansen and its characters.


	2. L'appel Du vide

He always finds himself seated there, on top of a giant rock in the middle of Ellison State Park.

Evan likes being up here, alone with the wind and the view of the sea of trees.

Trees that he had been wanting to climb, but could never find the courage to do so.

 _You're a coward._

Coward for not confidently answering a tourist's question earlier.

Coward for hiding on top of a rock just to avoid even more park inquiries.

 _Idiot, you're supposed to be down there guiding anyone who could be lost._

But just like the day before and all the days since he started, he's here.

Waiting for his work hours to be over.

 _What are you doing?_

 _You promised._

Sighing, he peaked at the edge of the rock, checking if there are still people below.

There's no one there anymore.

 _But he continues to stare down._

He likes the height very much.

 _The feeling of being up there._

And just like the day before and all the days since he started, _he wanted to know what it feels like to jump._

But he couldn't.

 _He wouldn't._

Evan moves away and made his way to the side where he would usually climb.

Climbing this rock on this side is easier.

 _Less dangerous._

He doesn't like the idea of getting himself hurt.

Evan stares at the tallest tree from this side of the view.

 _Before the summer ends,_ he made a promise, _I'm going to climb on that tree._


	3. Get Me Out

_I hate this place._

Connor was never the type to follow his parents' wishes.

In fact, his mother made it clear that he is free to do whatever the fuck he wants.

But his _Dad had to be the hero_ who makes things right.

 _Because he loves this family so much._

So much that he was willing to send his son to _this hell hole._

 _He couldn't have done that earlier?_

A campfire smoke from the other side of the lake can be seen from his room again, now along with a distant sound of Kumbaya.

 _How many kids attended this camp? How the hell can I hear their god-awful singing from my room?_

 _Not my room. My prison cell._

He wonders if he would be around that fire too had he not ignored his mom's idea to join a summer camp three years ago.

 _That's why you are here, idiot._

 _If you didn't keep doing what you want, you wouldn't have ended up with the wrong group of people._

The smoke reminds him of what he did with all the vacations in between his high school life so far.

 _I seriously need a joint right now._

He can't have one right now, of course. Not when all of "his friends" are aware of _his current location_.

He stood up, took the Swiss Knife from the secret pocket of his jacket, and started with his nightly routine.

Unscrew this, unscrew that.

Push and Pull.

 _Viola!_

He loves the feeling of being outside every night. Away from the _other freaks that needed "healing"_.

This time he was making his way along the lake's shore, using the quickest path to the summer camp.

He went there the first night he discovered a way to go outside, a few days before the campers arrived.

Back when his regrets started kicking in.

He remembers walking around that place, appreciating how empty it was.

How different would all of his summers would be had he been part of the silly camp life.

 _What could have been._

He remembers sitting on one of the logs, pretending to be in the middle a campfire song with weirdos from different places.

This time he can watch real people sing around the fire.

 _Real people enjoying a stranger's company._

He wonders why he hasn't sneaked by since the camp started.

He would always just look for new spots to breathe open air.

Always staying clear from possible places where people could see him.

 _They don't want you there, that's why._

But he continued walking, for once he wants to be part of something, even if it's just from afar.

"Shit!"

Connor stopped on his tracks, quickly turning to see where the voice came from.

"Shit! This can't be!"

"What did I do? I thought you like me?"

"It's not you, it's thi-this!"

"Okay, what's that got to do with our make out session?"

Connor felt like a bucket of ice cold water was poured on his back.

 _I shouldn't be here._

"Please be alright-please…"

But curiosity got the better of him.

Because the voices were both male.

Even more, the panicked one sounded familiar.

He has no idea why, but he just had to see who it was.

 _You're doing it again. Stop._

 _Don't you remember what happened the last time?_

He hesitantly followed the sound while hiding behind all the plants that he could find.

Two topless guys were seated on some sort of a thick blanket. The thinner of the two was busy trying to kiss the other who was frantically typing on his phone.

The larger guy was wearing glasses and judging from the reflection it was easy to tell that he just received a long-ass message.

And from his movements, he definitely just received bad news.

 _Jared Kleinman?_

 _Figures._

Connor started to move away when the thinner one took Jared's phone and began kissing Jared.

Jared wrapped his hands round him and started kissing back.

"Everything is going to be fine. I'm here for you."

"I just-I-I-"

The two proceeded with their make out session as if they were alone.

But they didn't know that Connor was there.

That he could not look away.

" _Disgusting little faggot."_

He heard _that voice_ inside his head again.

The urge to vomit began rising from the pit of his stomach.

 _I have to get out of here._

He started to run away.

Away from what he saw.

 _Great, another entry to the long list of secrets to keep._


	4. You Know It

_Tonight, I am going to have fun._

That's all Jared wanted ever since he started being a camp boy the summer before high school started.

But then one of his bunk mates just had to point out how helpless he is at making new friends.

 _"You must be gay!"_

 _"Leave me alone, my life is none of your business!"_

Jared stopped himself from letting that part of his life resurface.

 _I'm so glad he isn't here this year, now is my chance._

He scanned the picnic area looking for fellow campers that he managed to talk to during previous camps.

He always managed to make a small conversation with someone new before Keiran would do his usual walk-by and say horrible things about him.

Keiran was the camp bully for three Summer Camps. This year it's Natalia, the Barbie look-a-like from Brooklyn's cabin.

But unlike Keiran, Natalia is a different kind of bully.

The kind that bullies stupid people and anyone who bothers everyone that she considers to be her friend.

Best of all, she is open-minded about _certain aspects of life_.

That's why she's friends with Brooklyn.

Oh, sweet Brooklyn.

The only girl from camp who bothered to complete a conversation with him because _they're the same._

It was Natalia's idea that he and Brooklyn should have an experimental hook-up for a while.

 _"I never knew that I am a bisexual until I tried, you guys should check too."_

Her idea did help a little bit, mostly on stopping Keiran's old buddies from calling him a faggot once more.

Heck, they seemed to be proud of him now.

 _"Dude's banging Miss Big Boobsy of the Sexy Israeli Gals since camp started. He's the man!"_

He's not the man.

 _The whole thing was a lie._

The discover your sexuality part?

It didn't help, _at all_.

It only made him more confused about himself.

On the first night that they tried, Jared had a panic attack when he saw her topless.

She's beautiful, yes.

But he couldn't touch her.

 _He didn't want to._

So, the next few nights were just the two of them kissing for a few minutes until they don't feel comfortable anymore and ends with the two of them talking about their respective point of attraction.

 _"Have you told him?"_

 _"He doesn't know. He doesn't need to know."_

Jared smiled at the fact that he has someone who knows about the truth. It's a good start.

He watched as Brooklyn laugh beside Nina, her point of attraction.

He wonders if it will ever be like that again with his old friend.

He messed up their friendship at some point and it is going to be difficult explaining his behavior for the past three years.

Archie silently sat beside him while he contemplates if he should tell _his_ point of attraction what he wanted to say.

"You know, you can tell me the truth."

Jared was snapped out of his thoughts and looked at Archie who was now slicing some mangoes. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Archie smirked and proceeded to gobble the biggest mango slice. "No one looks at a chick that he is banging that way. You guys have obviously not done it."

"I- ", Jared looked around to check if someone was listening.

"Relax, your secret is safe with me. Just don't let the other demons find out."

Archie was one of Keiran's "Demons", the quiet one in the group.

He's the only one who never bullied Jared, the only one who bothered to stop Keiran from going physical towards any campers.

Jared always liked Archie, mainly because prior to starting high school, he witnessed this guy calm a lot of people down with just simple words and a look, like a celestial being able to control events at his will.

 _Does that make sense?_

Maybe it's Archie's abs or his height, but he just seemed to be the persuasive strong guy that Jared wanted as a friend.

He reminds him of _someone_.

But then again, Archie was only there whenever Keiran was almost done with his bullying.

He never stopped Keiran from starting his destructive actions.

"We've all kind of known everyone in this camp since we started. I think I would know if Natz had been telling the truth."

"Your point?"

"Natz is horrible at creating and spreading rumors. It's a good thing the rest of our fellow campers bought her so-called 'great news' about you and Brooklyn."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I like observing people and I think we should become friends."

"I like that."

The rest of the day was filled with Jared and Archie going over all the picnic tables and every circle of friends to remove the social barrier that Kieran had created.

It felt great to do this.

Letting the truth out to trustworthy people and making some friends.

That night, there was a knock on the window where Jared and Brooklyn were supposed to do their nightly hook-ups.

Since then, there was a different nightly routine at the summer camp.

A routine that Jared was comfortable and happy with.

Stories about the past, a dream of the future, and the laughter in the current time.

 _No secrets in between._

When the camp hit its "half-way-there" celebration campfire, Archie asked him for a walk further in the woods.

"I swear, if you ended up being some psycho-killer who plotted Keiran's assassination that happens to be the reason for his absence this-"

"Relax, just follow me. Okay?"

Jared has never felt so contented before.

And he was contented at the fact that he and Archie finally shared a kiss.

The cheesy part of it was Archie's preparation.

 _A comforter in the middle of the woods. How in the-?_

Despite the bonding times that they've had, they were never alone like this before.

If Brooklyn wasn't always in the room with them, Jared would've probably made the move.

He wouldn't do that, of course.

He didn't even know that he wanted to do that _until now._

They were finally in their full on make-out session when Jared's phone vibrated from his front pocket.

Archie giggled at the feeling and took the phone from Jared's pants.

"Inappropriate touching of a sensitive area, Mister. If you didn't have abs I would've Kodokan the hell out of you," said Jared as he tries to take the phone away from Archie's hand.

"Yes, do your Judo moves on me. I'd love that." He mumbles as he nibbled on the side of Jared's neck.

"I didn't realize that you actually have a kink. We can work on that someday."

Jared face slowly turned to worry as he read the text from the mother of his _original_ point of attraction.

 _Original? You're not even sure if that part left to begin with and the 'new' one probably doesn't count._

Summer vacations can also be awfully a short time to get over and learn new things.

Her text was long, and it didn't answer any of the questions that started to brew inside Jared's head.

"Shit!"

Evan is in the hospital and his mom, Heidi, was asking if Jared could stay the night at the hospital to keep an eye on Evan until he's discharged.

 _Did she forget that I'm not home this time around?_

What didn't help from this long message is that it's just an excuse letter of why Ms. Hansen couldn't be there for her son.

The other thing that wasn't helping was Archie.

He seemed so focused on what he's doing, he didn't bother to know what was Jared's current concern.

He barely remembered what Archie told him and what his response was.

He just typed questions about how and why Evan was in the hospital and if he was okay.

It took a few minutes before Heidi's simple response arrived.

He was missing for a few hours according to his manager then he ended up in the emergency room.

 _What is it with people answering messages with incomplete context?_

 _Does she not know her own son's condition?_

He wanted to go.

He wanted to _be there for Evan._

But there's no way he could go home right now, even if he wanted to.

Jared typed as fast as he could to explain why he couldn't come and that how much he really wants to.

A simple thank you text came from Heidi while Jared was unconsciously muttering "please be alright" repeatedly.

 _What the heck happened to you Evan?_

 _Did somebody abduct you?_

 _Where were you?_

 _Are you dying?_

 _How critical is your situation right now?_

 _Did the hospital did the right procedures to take care of you?_

Thousands of questions flooded his brain, he didn't even realize that Archie was kissing him again.

"Everything is going to be fine. I'm here for you."

He didn't believe him and the kiss that followed felt empty.

It felt insincere.

It even felt more ridiculous when he heard a movement and Archie insisted that he's imagining things because he's worried.

But Jared saw somebody.

Not the person's face, just their silhouette.

Curly haired male with a tall and thin physique.

And he was about to vomit as he runs away.

 _Vomiting because of what he saw, perhaps?_

 _Guess we're back to square one._

Now he must deal with the fact that someone saw them that night.

He was miserable since then.

He stopped going to his nightly camp routine.

He avoided Archie, he avoided Brooklyn, he avoided everybody.

He didn't want to be part of anything.

 _He needs to be left alone._


	5. Where Were You

Nothing ever goes according to plan.

 _Little promises to keep yet you still fail._

 _Way to go._

Evan loves pizzas, but apparently, he doesn't love it enough to be able to order one on his own.

His manager, Jonas, has now fallen asleep on the porch of the administrative cabin, the last pizza piece dangling from his hand.

 _Really, Evan?_

 _It's a simple phone call._

 _How on earth do you mess up a simple freaking phone call?_

He stood up from the small bench that he was sitting on and then started to clean up the remnants of their late afternoon snack time.

When he was done, he took a blanket from the supply cabinet and draped it over Jonas.

Silently thanking him for finishing his phone call for him.

Bummed as ever, he made his way to his favorite hiding spot.

It was getting dark, and Evan doesn't feel like going home.

 _Finding a job?_

 _You got one, but not the one you were planning to have._

 _Saving up?_

 _You're doing well, but it's not enough for college._

 _Be confident in guiding tourists?_

 _Fail, but being involved with them was never in the original list._

 _Have a conversation without stuttering?_

 _Fail._

 _Doing your job?_

 _Super Fail._

 _Befriending someone new?_

 _Success._

 _No, it's not._

 _Your manager doesn't count._

 _He's supposed to be nice to you._

 _So, it is still a fail._

And the list goes on.

The only thing he could do now is sigh.

He was there, but there will always be a disconnection.

A misstep.

Nothing ever goes the way he wanted.

" _Are you doing well in your job, Sweetie?"_

" _Of course."_

All these questions from his Mom, none of them answered truthfully.

He wonders if she actually cares for him or if she's acting like she does because she has to.

 _Don't._

 _Why do you always go there?_

Looking up to the sky, he stops and inhales deeply.

As he exhales, the shadow of his favorite rock was slowly darkening his view.

Doing his usual climb doesn't seem appealing right now.

So, he passed by it.

Maybe just this once, he could fulfil one of his promises to himself.

 _We could start by trying something you've always thought of as dangerous._

There is a lot on that dangerous list.

The easiest one would do.

 _If you can't do that, you're never going to do anything right._

Reaching the bottom of his favorite tree, he started looking for branches that he could use to climb.

 _You can do this, you can do this, you can do this._

 _Think happy thoughts._

His head was busy reminiscing a few things that seemed nice about his life while his body was synchronized in finding its way on top.

When he reached the highest among the biggest branch, his train of happy thoughts was derailed.

He was far away from the ground.

His position is higher that his usual spot.

Higher than he thought he could ever be.

 _Too high._

His breathing starts to feel uneven.

 _Don't look down._

Leaning against the trunk, he hugs his legs and watches the sky.

 _Clouds. Clouds are nice._

The mix of indigoes and dark oranges was something that fascinated him since his first time to really observe a sunset.

This time, there's something different about its beauty.

He doesn't know why, but it prompted him to think about all his failures.

 _Why do you do this to yourself?_

But he does anyway.

He thinks about his Dad's disappointed face.

" _This is useless!"_

His Mom's fake smile.

 _Was it fake to begin with?_

The confused face of everyone he talks to.

 _Was it really that bad?_

A friend's insults.

 _Why?_

His failed attempt to get to know the love of his life.

 _How?_

Voices of various people flooding in.

 _Who?_

Everything falling apart.

 _When?_

He couldn't stop.

Everything was becoming blurry.

A headache came and he pulled his hair, as if it helps.

 _Why is it so painful?_

Tears slowly fall as he tries his to bury his thoughts.

When he finally stopped pulling his hair, night has consumed the sky.

Stars twinkling, unaware of a crying boy on top of a tree.

And he felt empty.

He usually does after crying.

 _Why do I even cry?_

He wants to know.

For a long while he focused on that hollow feeling.

It's the only thing that felt right.

It usually does.

Few hours have passed and Evan was now asleep.

He was smiling.

When he opened his eyes, he was suddenly aware of the height.

 _What?_

As the hair on the back of his neck stood, he searches for a way down.

The darkness creeping below scared him.

 _You shouldn't be here, it's dangerous._

Afraid that he might fall, he grips on each branch as if it was the only thing keeping him alive.

He was so focused on gripping he didn't bothered to check the next branch that he was going to hold next.

"Ouch!"

Something pricked his hand which made him lost his grip.

Time slowed down.

But he was able to hold on to another branch.

Blood dripped from the wound and the urge throw up made him gagged.

 _How far up am I?_

He couldn't see.

He was alone and he couldn't ask for help.

 _This is why you shouldn't do dangerous things._

 _You know what this means, right?_

He couldn't find a place to put his foot.

He couldn't see the ground.

It's just him.

Alone.

Useless.

Helpless.

Unwanted.

A Nobody.

Nobody Cares.

 _Maybe it would be better if I wasn't here._

 _I was never here to begin with._

Nothing ever goes where things are supposed to be.

 _He lets go._


End file.
